You are silently trying to find a way through the darkness, but the dark tunnel seems endless and has a hold on you. Just a little glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel is all you want to see in hopes that the struggle will end soon, but it seems more like wishful thinking at this point in your life. You stay stuck in a never-ending pattern of defeat and wonder why things have not gotten better after all this time. You pray and ask from loved ones to pray for you hoping that the higher force above will miraculously change the negative circumstances that has entrapped you.
But there is a way out that you would rather choose to ignore. You prefer to deny what has become toxic, and prefer to look at it as if it’s merely a rough patch that will eventually smooth itself out. Sadly, when that door opens, you choose to stay and remain in a place of hurt and disappointments; too afraid to step out into the unknown to see what lies on the other side if you do decide to let go and actually move on without looking back.
Maybe this time it will be different, you say to yourself time and time again. Your optimism is soon shattered when reality slaps you in the face screaming for you to open your eyes. It’s a vicious cycle that continues without an end in sight. It’s a roller coaster ride that keeps on going and, instead of you getting off, you stay seated for more. You stubbornly choose to be blind; hoping that one day what you hold in your heart will eventually come true, despite the tears of frustration that rips through your soul and slowly cripples whatever energy and strength is left inside of you. The toxicity seeping deeper every time.
It seems as if it’s too difficult for you to bear living a life other than what you had mentally pictured, and stored in your heart, of how it should be along with the possibilities of things getting better. That’s what you hold on to so tightly. But it’s a lie. A lie that you foolishly convince yourself with. Clinging on to false hope is what keeps you in a place that you dislike with every fiber coursing through your veins when the madness unfolds itself again. Unfortunately, in spite of all the heartaches, you still choose him instead of you. And that is why everything remains unchanged.